Guys Don't Think, and Women Think Too Much. Is J-Lo Right?

While talking about her twins -- one boy, one girl -- on Letterman last week, Jennifer Lopez said "it's very clear to me now, having a boy and a girl, the differences between men and women." What's the biggest difference, according to J-Lo? Basically, women think too much, and men, well -- don't. Is J-Lo right? First read more and check out her comments (from about 2:45 to 3:45 of this YouTube video).

J-Lo gets laughed at, but she does acknowledge that there is both a positive and a negative side to thinking too much, and to not thinking enough. To decide whether she's right about men and women, let's consider first what those positives and negatives might be.

I'll call the negative aspect of thinking too much overthinking: in other words anxiety, an unproductive level of spinning your mental wheels. For instance, your date doesn't call you back, and you spend days going through all the things you might have done wrong, or all the reasons why your date doesn't like you. This overthinking is typically connected to a lack of confidence, and it makes success in relationships much harder. Why? Because ultimately it prevents you from being your relaxed, attractive self; it makes you nervous, unpredictable, and a lot less fun to be around. Plus it doesn't actually get you anywhere -- you're not going to "solve" the question of what's going on in your date's head, it's just going to make you unhappy. On the other hand, if you're not overthinking -- a trait that J-Lo ascribes to guys -- you stay relaxed and confident, and have an easier time navigating dating and relationships.

One positive aspect of thinking too much in relationships might be thoughtfulness, or sensitivity. Someone who thinks too much may be more aware of what another person is feeling, and able to respond in a more caring and considerate way. For instance, your date has been feeling stressed out about work, so you go out of your way to check in, buy flowers or make a nice dinner. This makes your date appreciative, brings you closer together, and strengthens your relationship. J-Lo might argue that this is a positive example of how women think more than men -- because women are more in tune to what's going on with the people they're close to.

Honestly, though, there's much less of a difference than J-Lo thinks. For starters, guys definitely overthink relationships: look at a classic movie like Swingers, where Mike (Jon Favreau) can't stop obsessing about his ex no matter how much Trent (Vince Vaughn) tries to shake him out of it. Early in relationships, too, guys spend plenty of time being nervous about what our dates think of us: plotting when to call or text, wondering if we'll get a call or text back, and on and on. If there's a difference, it might just be that we're less likely to let it show when we're overthinking. Most guys have been taught -- by family, friends, media, J-Lo, whoever -- that we aren't supposed to be anxious and overthink things, so when we catch ourselves doing it, many of us will suppress it as much as we're able. For some, this will be successful and we'll end up more relaxed and comfortable. For others, it won't work, we'll end up acting weird, and you probably won't want to keep dating us (a lot of you have probably seen a guy in this situation, even if you weren't aware at the time that this is what made him "act weird").

As for being considerate and caring, you might say women have a clear advantage. While I know plenty of guys who are sensitive and thoughtful about what their dates, girlfriends and wives are feeling, it's possible that as a group, guys are still not taught to be as sensitive as women are. But in the end, everyone can still make their own decision about how considerate they're going to be. If your date or boyfriend isn't as attentive as you'd like, he's also giving you unspoken permission not to be as attentive to him, either. So before you decide that a guy isn't sensitive enough, try interacting at his level for awhile, first. You might find that he doesn't miss the extra attention, and that you experience a lot of relief from spending less time trying to anticipate his needs and interpret his emotions. More positive ways of communicating might come out of it, too.

In the end, what we all want is for relationships to be balanced, with back-and-forth in thinking along with everything else. Ideally both guy and girl will be wondering a day or two after the first date whether the other person is thinking about them; wondering just enough to be excited, but not so much that they're anxious and unhappy. Likewise, in a healthy long-term relationship or a marriage, both partners will be asking or aware of each other's needs, without feeling like they're putting in an unfair amount of caring and not getting any back. This shouldn't have to be a man-and-woman, guy-and-girl thing, and most guys don't particularly want it to be. Instead, it's about the happiness and confidence of each person involved. Like women, each of us guys is a lot more different from the other than J-Lo implies: we come with varying levels of happiness and confidence, and that affects how each of us thinks about relationships. So before you go writing us off on national television, rest assured that there is probably a guy out there whose thinking will one day match right up with yours.