Should You Settle?

So you're ready to start a life with a guy, but you're not sure of your feelings for the one you're with. Should you settle for him? This question has a short answer and a long answer. The short answer? No. The long answer? It's a little more involved, but no less emphatic:

First, consider the guy perspective. For most of us, the thought that a partner would compromise her ideal by starting a life with us just plain sucks. No guy wants to be with a woman who has settled for him, any more than you would want to be in that situation yourself. It's not a good feeling. Plus guys are even less likely to understand the choice to settle because we typically don't face the same commitment pressures you do (such as having children by a certain age). But when it comes down to it, no matter how insensitive we supposedly are, none of us really wants to give our heart to a woman who's not giving all of hers in return.

Second, consider the long-term effects of settling and starting a life with someone you don't love and trust completely. Worries about having children after your mid-30s may be legitimate, but children alone won't make your doubts go away, and could make them worse. Even more importantly, children born into incomplete or unhappy parental relationships are at an emotional disadvantage themselves. If your marriage goes south because you settled, or even if it just never quite meets the ideal of what a marriage can be, is that really something you want to model for your kids? Probably not.

Finally, if you find yourself thinking you should settle, consider your own motives very carefully. How much has to do with the way you compare yourself to others around you? How much has to do with your own fear of being alone, or with even deeper insecurities about whether you're worthy of a loving, trusting, committed relationship? Take a hard look at those fears and insecurities, because you need to fight back. You are worthy. You have your own path, and when you find your way back to it I guarantee it won't be by settling. Getting into a committed relationship has a lot to do with luck and timing, and even more to do with how confident and happy you are in your own life and your own skin. Most guys learn this lesson because we have to, because you can't be the one to approach, ask, call, propose if you don't take care of your own confidence first, and you get shot down enough to know that luck and timing are major factors, too. In the end, it's no different for you: you have to believe in yourself before you're ready to take the next step. And when you are truly confident, you won't settle, because you'll know you deserve better.