How to Hit on Guys: 'The Hand Hover' and 'The Active Listener'

My friend Jake and I got talking recently about the ways (we think) women have hit on us in the past. You can't have this conversation without acknowledging the difficulties for women; not only does the dating world generally expect that guys will hit on you (instead of the other way around), but for us guys it can be the case that feeling hit on too heavily unsettles our staid worldviews, making us feel either inadequate or full of ourselves. It can also go right over our heads. Nevertheless, there are some smooth and really effective ways you can hit on guys, and in the course of our conversation Jake and I came up with a couple big winners that have been used on us.

First is The Hand Hover, which Jake also referred to as The Finger Linger (Jake really wasn't trying to be dirty, but don't worry, that second term will not be repeated here). Many of you have probably employed the hand hover effectively in the past, and for those who have, Jake and I encourage you not to give it up. For those who haven't, it's a great way to let a guy know you're interested without having to put yourself out there in a way that might feel risky or obvious. Basically, all the hand hover involves is waiting until you've gotten to know a guy for a couple hours, weeks, or days -- depending on your pace, but long enough to know you're interested -- and then letting your hand hover for a prolonged moment on some part of his shoulder, arm, or side.

Some might ask why I'm sharing something so obvious. For starters, the hand hover never goes out of style, and this in itself is worth remembering. But a good hand hover is also more complicated than it sounds. The keys are timing and duration. The best time for the hand hover is in a small transition moment -- when a joke ends and you're laughing, or when you have to excuse yourself for a minute, or during a goodbye. Briefly putting your hand on us in these moments makes us suspect that we matter to you in some way that's new or different, or that you might need us for something, maybe even to help you or protect you (things many of us are suckers for -- see "staid worldview"). Duration is also important: a hand hover that's too quick can seem like an accident, while an extended hover can get really obvious and potentially awkward. It's best to leave us thinking that you've been intentional, but not quite 100% sure. Finally, don't try the hand hover unless you're comfortable with it. Even this little touch is not something that's easily forced, so if it's not coming naturally, don't worry about it. If you're talking to the right guy, the moment will come naturally, or another signal will make more sense.

Our second favorite technique for hitting on us is The Active Listener. I would have called this one 'The Active Conversationalist' if that didn't sound so awkward, but the point is that it's not just about listening: the active listener is actually a balanced conversationalist, a good listener who also shares her own relevant opinions and stories, a partner in a conversation which has the unspoken goal of finding areas of common interest we can both get excited about. Too often the expectation seems to be that women should be responsible for the conversation without really getting to be a part of it, but the right guy -- the guy you want -- isn't looking for this. So how does The Active Listener work?

The trick is opening in a way that's subtle enough for a real conversation to actually follow -- and then extending that opening into the kind of conversation where, if they're meant to, sparks can fly. It's no secret that guys are suckers for compliments, or for questions about themselves, but you can set this up in less obvious ways. For instance, try starting with a question that you'd actually be interested in discussing, like "do you like this band?" or "do you spend a lot of time outside?" In the first example, most of us will be happy to take the fact that you're asking our opinion as a compliment; in the second, your interest in us will almost certainly be taken as a compliment, even if it's not clearly meant as one. Either way you'll have made us feel comfortable, which we always appreciate. Here's someone, we'll be thinking, who I can really talk to.

Now comes the really key part: once you've listened to us share our opinion, or our story about our lives, and you've maintained eye contact and even nodded along with us (assuming you're still interested), be ready with something to share back. Have your own opinion, or story about yourself, that's connected to your opening. Be enthusiastic about it, and don't be afraid to share it. The right guy will want to hear it. And if he doesn't, he's not the right guy. Because really good conversations are built on connections, and connections go both ways. Connections in conversation can only happen if you listen, and then find ways to share about yourself and your ideas, and then can give the conversation back to him again, and then can take it back yourself. This give-and-take is not only how meaningful conversations are built, it's how the really good crushes are built, too.

In the end, the biggest advantage to both these tactics might be that they also provide a way to guage your own interest. If it doesn't feel natural to let your hand linger on a guy's arm, or it's a huge effort to stay engaged in conversation with him, chances are he's not the guy for you. On the other hand, if these things start coming naturally, you just might be on the right track.