Just a Friend

What does it mean for a guy when a girl is “just a friend?” The question’s been asked over and over and over again, for all different kinds of reasons. Now, from the guy perspective, here are some answers: how to become more than a friend, how to deal with your guy's female friends, and how to stay just friends when a guy wants something more.

The Friend Zone

Someone recently asked me whether guys have a “friend zone.” Is it possible to become friends with a guy you’re interested in, but then to get “stuck” as just a friend, so that he’s not interested in anything more? The answer, from the guy perspective: sort of.

There are plenty of guys who like the idea of becoming friends with a woman before getting together in a romantic way. Contrary to popular belief, most of us actually prefer being comfortable around someone and enjoying her company before we get between the sheets. So if you’re worried about being relegated to the friend zone, the good news is that we’ll usually become friends with a woman in the first place because we think there could be some other kind of attraction there, either now or in the future.

But what if the friendship plateaus, and that other kind of attraction doesn’t materialize? That’s where the “sort of” comes in. Because us guys definitely do have a friend zone, a type of friendship with females that doesn’t feel destined to become something more. But at the same time, if that friendship began based on an attraction, or the hope of an attraction, or even an unconscious, barely understood attraction, then part of being a guy is having the innate capability of acting on that attraction. In other words, under the right circumstances, we still might hook up with you. Which usually turns out to be messy, and makes us feel guilty, and most of the time goes nowhere good. But that doesn’t mean that guys will know any better.

So what can you do? If you think you’re in the friend zone and you don’t want to be, get some distance. The more you hang on, the more we’re likely to get lazy, take you for granted, and not think too hard about what’s good for us or what we really want. Think about it: it's probably what you do in the same situation. But if you step back, take your distance and make yourself a lot less available, we are much more likely to either 1) become more intrigued again or 2) flat-out realize what we're missing and gear up for an actual romantic relationship. And if neither of those things happen, you creating more distance becomes the first, very important step in moving beyond a guy who's just not as interested in you as you are in him.

He Says She’s Just a Friend

On a completely different side of the same theme, I've fielded a lot of questions from women who refer to "that girl I don't like who my boyfriend is friends with." Guys' female friends are easy targets for suspicion and jealousy, which is not all that surprising to us, whatever we say (see above note about why we usually become friends with a woman in the first place). But what the questions really come down to is: how do I know whether I can trust him with that friend?

The first place to look for an answer is your relationship as a whole. Do you trust your guy in other things? Do you trust him with your secrets? Do you trust him not to hurt you? If you can answer 'yes' to these kinds of questions, then there's a good chance you can trust him with his female friend(s), too. And remember that just because you don't like a female friend of your boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean she's up to no good; chances are your own suspicion or jealousy is a major factor in why you're not planning trips to the mall with her.

On the other hand, if your answers to these questions are "no" or "I don't know," then you might have more reason for suspicion. But why you're answering "no" to these questions is important. Maybe it's early in the relationship, and you just don't have that trust established yet. In that case, it may be a little early to feel suspicious or jealous until you understand a little more about your guy's character and the nature of his relationships with others. Or maybe you haven't established that you're exclusive, in which case you need to get that figured out before it's really fair to be jealous. Of course, you shouldn't blindly ignore your own suspicions, either -- if you're not normally a jealous person, but you think you're exclusive and alarm bells are going off for you every time he hangs out with a certain someone else, then something could definitely be up.

Another place to get an answer about his female friend(s) is from him. You can always ask. But if you want an honest answer, it's important to ask in a really careful way. This does not include making small, snide comments about his female friend(s), and does not include constantly calling him or asking where he is or what he's doing when he's hanging out with his female friend(s). Instead of these approaches, which are more likely to drive a wedge between you and make him not want to be honest with you (even if there's nothing going on), wait for a quiet moment when the female friend is not the subject of conversation. Then, bring her up in a way that shows you're making a serious request for information, based on your need to know, rather than on suspicion or jealousy. He'll be more likely to be honest with you because you're signalling

I Think He Wants Something More, but I Just Want to be Friends

Um, good luck. A guy who wants something more is going to have a hard time just being friends with you (see above note about why we usually become friends with a woman in the first place). Does this mean we can't just be friends with women? Of course not. But if a guy is openly or obviously wanting something more from you, the only thing that (might) make him stop is if he gets together with someone else who he's even more attracted to than you. And if that happens, the sad truth is that often, his interest in friendship with you will fade away.

The key is this: why do you want to be friends with a guy who wants something more from you, anyway? Is it because he makes you feel good about yourself? If so, that's probably because he wants something more, and if he didn't, he probably wouldn't be the same kind of friend to you. In that scenario, your wish to stay friends with him is a little unfair, because it's based on him not getting what he's hoping for. Of course, if he puts up with the unfairness, that's his choice.

But what if a guy is just a good friend to you: he knows you really well, he likes doing the same things as you, or he's just funny and fun to hang out with? Can't you make him just like you as a friend, so you can share all those great platonic benefits of friendship? Well, the famous quote says: "if you love someone, set them free." If you can push your friend out of the nest, let him go, even help him go, and hope that he finds someone else, he might, just might -- if the friendship is meant to be -- ultimately find that other person, and then find his way back to your great platonic relationship.