Communicating with Guys: Illiterate Mind Readers

One of the big knocks on guys in relationships is that we don't communicate how we're feeling to our dates, girlfriends, domestic partners or wives. Instead of showing when we're vulnerable, sad or emotional, we clam up and fail to ask for support. It's basically conventional wisdom at this point: because guys go it on our own instead of letting our feelings out, women will inevitably feel like we're shutting them out -- like they can't get close to us because we won't open up. But is this really true?

Certainly there are some guys, just as certainly as there are some women, who are proficient at balling up their emotions and stuffing them away without a trace. But ten years into the twenty-first century, I just don't think this stereotype holds up anymore. Many of us will tell you when we're stressed out, become demonstrative when we're happy, give signals when we're upset, bristle and raise our voices when we're angry, or get quiet when we're sad. Our signals may not be the same as yours, but they are there, and are often quite open and clear. And if you ask us in a no-pressure way how we're feeling, I think most of us will do a reasonable job of trying to tell you.

In fact, talking to lot of guys I know about communication issues in relationships, I frequently hear the opposite complaint. Women, many of my friends are quick to scratch their heads over, like to make us guess what they're feeling. We're supposed to just know without being told when to bring home a bunch of roses and when to stay out of the way, when to comfort and when to let you vent to your girlfriends, when to be gentle and when to stay strong, when to go in for a passionate kiss and when to just give a quiet shoulder rub. The list is different for every guy, but the more I talk to guys about communication in relationships, the more I hear this common thread: we're expected to be mind readers, but we feel completely illiterate.

Think about it: you want your guy to know when you need comforting and when you need some space, right? And wouldn't it be nice if he just knew, without you having to say anything? And because this would be nice, don't you sometimes just hope that he will know, rather than use words or some other clear method for telling him what you need? And then isn't it a little bit disappointing when he doesn't get it? Well, we sense all that too, but it doesn't make us any better at reading your mind. At best, we develop a rough sense over time of when you're likely to want certain emotional needs filled. But if you're not telling us, it'll never be more than a very inexact discipline -- like a kid who can't read trying to understand a chapter book with a picture every two or three pages. At worst, we'll eventually feel so inadequate that we'll give up.

The danger is that this cycle feeds on itself. If you feel like your guy consistently doesn't "get" what you're feeling, and he hears or senses this from you, chances are he'll react by clamming up himself. Then you're back to the original stereotype of the guy who hides his emotions, and the gap of mutual understanding grows wider.

So turning the conventional wisdom on its head, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that plenty of guys are actually longing for more open communication from their dates, girlfriends, domestic partners or wives. There's a strong sense among us that being expected to read women's minds just isn't fair -- because it puts us in a situation where we're doomed to fail. So next time you need a long hug, or need some space to deal with a stressful day, try taking a deep breath and just telling us. A lot of guys -- or at least the right guy -- will most likely jump at the chance to fill such a clear and reasonably expressed emotional need.