Basics from the Guy Perspective, Part 2: Confidence

Confidence is the number one factor that attracts guys to women. Not a loud, brazen, I-say-whatever-I-want-to-anyone attitude that poses as confidence, and not a haughty, my-permanent-pout-hides-my-insecurity confidence, but the genuine confidence that comes from a positive, stable feeling about your place in the world. The Oxford English Dictionary describes confidence simply as: The mental attitude of trusting in or relying on a person or thing; firm trust, reliance, faith. And in the end, that's all any of us guys are looking for.

You're probably already wondering: what about looks, sense of humor, intelligence, interests? We've all heard that guys care most about looks, that every guy wants a smart girlfriend with a good sense of humor, that people in a relationship should share the same interests. The thing is, none of these are relevant or meaningful without confidence to back them up. If you're not confident in how you look, or in what you think is funny, or you don't value the areas of life you feel smartest and most knowledgeable about, then those important aspects of who you are lose their attraction. If you don't trust the traits that make you who you are, how can you expect us to notice them?

From the guy perspective, it can feel like women, or the media, or society as a whole has a backwards approach to attraction. It's like the looks, the humor, the intelligence or the interests are put first, without any attention to the confidence that has to underlie them. An obvious example is the cosmetic surgery industry, which makes its money by selling looks at the expense of confidence. But no guy who is confident himself honestly wants to put in time with a woman who he finds attractive but who constantly needs this reinforced. No more than we want to date someone who laughs at jokes without really getting them, or who can talk intelligently about things but doesn't really care about them, or who has picked up certain interests just because they might attract men. No; confident guys have no more interest in empty relationships than you do.

Think about it: would you rather date a guy who is incredibly good-looking, but frequently asks you if he looks ok and complains about how he needs to work out, or would you rather hang out with a guy who is above the line by your standards but never once seems to worry about it? The second one sounds more attractive off the bat, because it is. Would you rather hang out with a clown who makes a lot of dumb jokes and tries to nudge you into laughing at them, or with a guy who doesn't laugh that often but, when he does, reveals a piece of who he really is? Again, the choice is obvious. It's no different for guys. While most guys have an idea of the kind of looks or humor or interests or intelligence that we're hoping to find, this is secondary to the confidence that backs them up -- and enough of that healthy confidence can even change what we thought we were looking for.

This is the final reason why confidence is so important: most of the time, like attracts like. If you want to be in a relationship with a guy who is confident, start with yourself. The more confident you are, the more likely you are to find relationships with confident guys. The other stuff -- physical attraction, intelligent conversation, shared interests -- all follows from this confidence. And if it doesn't, at least you'll have the confidence to pick up and move on!

Note that this post comes intentionally out of order: the next post will be entitled: "Basics from the Guy Perspective, Part 1: Happiness."