Friendly but no-nonsense relationship and dating advice for women in their 20s and 30s, from the guy perspective. Come back for biweekly posts and "tips of the week." Skip to the advice...
Jan
16
Submitted by ethanfburke on Mon, 2012-01-16 23:09
My guy friends complain a lot about how hard it is to read women and guage their level of interest. For a lot of us, it feels like our lopsided burden in the dating world: even though it's up to us to make the first move, we rarely get help from women in figuring out whether we'll be successful. But I've come to realize that a lot of women have the same issue with guys. Sure, it can be obvious when a guy's hitting on you. But if it's that obvious, chances are he's not going a good job of it, and you're probably not that interested in him. Instead, what about those situations where it's not obvious: where a guy might be hitting on you, but you're not sure? Or even more tricky, when you're already acquainted with a guy, but you can't figure out if he's interested in something more?
To keep it as simple as possible, here's a list of 5 signs that a guy is interested:
- Social proximity: If the same guy keeps bumping into you in social situations or appearing near you on the dance floor, it's a good sign he's interested. That doesn't necessarily mean he sees you as his future wife, but there's a reason why you keep encountering each other. This is especially true if a guy is choosing to be near you or talk to you instead of his friends. Guys tend to be pretty loyal to each other, and we're sensitive to the perception that we're putting a female ahead of our friends, even in social settings. So if we are, that should tell you something.
- Reaction checking: When you're in conversation with a guy, watch his face after he tells a story or a joke. Is he waiting for your reaction? Does he smile after you do, or go on to try to explain himself better if you don't get his point? A guy who looks distracted or is too wrapped up in himself to check your reaction might just be killing time by talking to you, but a guy who wants to know what you think of what he's saying is a guy who is interested.
- Making plans: This one may seem obvious, but a guy who suggests making any kind of plan for just the two of you is interested in you, period. In case there's any doubt about this one, put yourself in his shoes. Even though we as guys are generally expected to initiate this kind of plan-making, it still requires putting ourselves out on a limb, and no one wants to do that unless there's genuine interest behind it. So no matter how casual we might try to make it seem, the suggestion of any kind of shared plan is a definite sign of a guy's initial interest.
- Mister Intensity: Look for little signs that a guy is more intense with you than with others. This could take a lot of different forms: he could be more serious, talking about issues or ambitions that you don't hear him talking about with his friends. He could be more serious and quiet when you're around, or he could be louder and more of a show-off. If you have a chance to observe him with others and compare how he is with you -- or if you can ask a friend's perspective -- any kind of increased intensity is a likely sign of interest.
- Testing the waters: If you still can't figure out if a guy is interested, you can always test the waters yourself. Try a subtle technique for hitting on him, or even better, just let go a little more around him. If he responds with enthusiasm to your touch, your eye contact, or your excitement, it will tell you a lot. On the other hand, if he backs off, you'll know he's not interested and you can move on.
I may come up with something more to add to this list, and please feel free to ask specific questions of your own, too. In the end, us guys are pretty simple creatures, and the hardest thing about picking up on our interest is probably your own feelings. If you're already interested, you have an emotional investment in whether or not your interest is reciprocal, and this makes it harder to be objective. Think about it: it's so much easier to tell when someone's interested in a friend of yours, or even a stranger, than it is to tell when a guy you're interested in feels the same pull toward you. But if you can clearly identify one or more of the above signs, don't be afraid to get excited. He probably likes you, too.
8 comments
what does it mean when a guy always waits around a little you when your still in the classroom with him, and everybody has already left? like the guy used to like me, and i liked him too, but things happened, and we ended up going our separate ways til now. he sometimes looks of glances at me when i'm not paying attention, and sometimes talks to me but not that much. does that mean he still likes me? i'm 14 and i still like the guy though.
You should take my advice with a grain of salt since it's been a long time since I was fourteen, but it sounds like this guy is interested in you again. Why not try talking to him and see if you two hit it off again?
I can't tell if he is really into me or if it's a lost cause? I have a guy friend(we'll call him guy A) who I dated about 6years ago, we ended things because I had my own insecurities and he had his. hen I met my now ex husband moved two states away. Randomly I got a call about 2 weeks after I got married from guy A and come to find out he now lives 20 minutes away. We spoke very casually he knew I was married & asked why things between he and I didn't work out. For me personally I was a struggling nursing student, he was studying to be a MD at the time we first met (I was intimated that I wasn't smart enough) and he told me that it bothered him that we were the same height and I frequently wore high heels (and well that bothered him). We crossed paths over medical cases and conferences over the next 6 years. Long story short, when it was time for me to leave my ex husband Guy A offered me his suv and a place to stay until I got myself on my feet. For many reasons I did not stay with him . We began to hang out, grab drinks watch movies and talk more and both have matured a lot (and over came our past insecurities). At one point things became physical, I knew I wasn't ready and I was too scared to get into a relationship and my anxiety got the best of the situation and went our seperate ways. We spent a month not talking with each other until recently.
. I'm still scared to get close to a guy after my ex husband. I want to start dating again, I would really like to date Guy A again, I knew I lost a good guy all those years ago. He knows I'm scared and that I'm trying to keep him at arms length because I'm scared to get hurt but I'm trying to give him a chance a real true chance. I've offered to catch up over a drink one evening as we are still flirting with each other. But I'm not sure if he is just not interested and if I should just walk away, again.
Please help, as scared as I am(which I'm working hard on over coming this) I'd really like to give dating him again.
With so much history between the two of you, the time for guessing and scheming is over. You need to tell this guy straight out that 1) you want to date him again and really give it a chance, 2) explain why it's going to be hard for you, but reinforce again that you are committed to a genuine effort to make it work, and 3) ask if he's willing to try with you. Dealing with him openly like this is not only necessary to understand where he stands (and make it clear to him where you stand), it is also a first huge step toward confronting your fear of opening up and getting close to him.
Of course, if he is willing to try again, you need to 4) actually make a genuine effort to make it work! It sounds like that will be the hardest part for you, but again, if you set the expectation with yourself that you'll be open with him about your fears, and he is also willing to stick it out and support you, you will have a shot at making it work this time around.
oh boy and I know you are going to say the best way to do this is face to face huh. Thanks for the advice. Just to update you, the next night I invited him to grab a quick drink with my girlfriend and I after he got done his shift at his hospital. Not only did he stay for 2 drinks but also dinner. There's still a lot of tension between us. So should I wait to let him make the next move or call him and lay it out just like you said?
Thanks again :-)
You could wait and do a little more reconnecting first. But in the end if you don't come out and level with him that's going to leave you with an easy out. And if you have an easy out, at some point those old fears and anxieties may convince you to take it. So I whether it's now or after hanging out a couple more times, I think you need to come clean with him. And yes, it's better to have these kind of conversations in person. :)
what does it mean when a guy stares at you the whole time during class and your gazes meet?
It depends what happens when your gazes meet. If he smiles and maintains eye contact, or looks away like he's embarrassed, then he's probably interested in you. If he looks bored, sleepy, or spaced out, then probably not.
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