Blogs

It's Not Me, It's You

In a recent e-mail, a reader complained to me that a guy had broken up with her using the "it's not you, it's me" line. To her, this said everything you needed to know about how horrible the breakup had been: a guy she loved and trusted had dumped her with a worn-out routine.

But after I read her e-mail I had an unexpected thought. What if everyone who heard that line, or a similar one, just took it at face value? The sentiment -- that someone's change in feelings has nothing to do with you, and is in fact completely out of your control -- is, in theory, pretty comforting. It's basically an offer to walk away without any self-doubt and quickly move on. So why doesn't it feel that way when it happens?

Guys and Online Dating: 4 Simple Rules

Whether you're just checking out friends of friends on Facebook, lining up a date for the weekend on OkCupid, or looking for a future husband on Match.com, finding love online can get just as intense and confusing as the real thing. In this long-overdue post about online dating from the guy perspective, I'll list four simple rules to give you the best chance at finding love -- or whatever else you're looking for -- when you start online.

Why Guys Cheat, and What to do About It

I've wanted to write this post for a long time, but it's been two weeks since I first sat down to write it and I've kept agonizing over it. I think the biggest reason is that cheating is not something terrible that men always do to women: it's something hurtful that people in (monogamous) relationships do to each other. Based on the limited research that's out there, evidence that guys cheat more than women is actually pretty slim. Cheating is equal opportunity betrayal, and that fact has kept me coming back to the bigger question of why anyone cheats.

But today I realized why I'm so sure I need to write this post about cheating, from the guy perspective. It's that comment you hear so often from women in post-infidelity situations that it's almost become cliched: "guys suck." While the anger that comes from saying or hearing those words might give you a tiny, temporary lift, I can't imagine that any woman is really comforted by this adage. So I'm writing this post to provide an alternative: an actual exploration, from the guy's perspective, of some of the reasons why guys cheat, and some ideas for how to respond when they (we) do.

5 Signs a Guy Likes You

My guy friends complain a lot about how hard it is to read women and guage their level of interest. For a lot of us, it feels like our lopsided burden in the dating world: even though it's up to us to make the first move, we rarely get help from women in figuring out whether we'll be successful. But I've come to realize that a lot of women have the same issue with guys. Sure, it can be obvious when a guy's hitting on you. But if it's that obvious, chances are he's not going a good job of it, and you're probably not that interested in him. Instead, what about those situations where it's not obvious: where a guy might be hitting on you, but you're not sure? Or even more tricky, when you're already acquainted with a guy, but you can't figure out if he's interested in something more?

Long Distance

If there's any good news about long-distance relationships, maybe it's that they suck equally for men and women. People who want to stay together when they're apart face universal challenges, regardless of gender. Still, judging by the messages I get, a lot of women are reluctant to pin their relationship issues on distance, looking instead for other explanations for struggles with trust, communication or fidelity.

How Guys Measure First Impressions: The 22/30 Scale

A few good friends of mine have come up with a formula to quantify their early impressions of the women they seek out, meet or begin dating. It's pretty simple: the total possible score is 30 points, which breaks down into 10 points for a woman's face and looks, 10 points for physical attraction (her body), and 10 points for her personality. If this sounds incredibly shallow that's because it is; but first impressions are always shallow, and some aspects of this unfiltered, realistic window into how guys size up women in the early going might just surprise you...

Should You Settle?

So you're ready to start a life with a guy, but you're not sure of your feelings for the one you're with. Should you settle for him? This question has a short answer and a long answer. The short answer? No. The long answer? It's a little more involved, but no less emphatic:

What Would You Think?

My friend Jocelyn and I were talking the other day about a guy she's been seeing, Jake. Jocelyn and Jake share a group of friends and have been dating for a couple months, but a lot of the time they spend together is with their mutual friends. It's been bothering Jocelyn that she and Jake don't make more plans on their own, and because of it, she really wants to have "that" conversation, the one about what we're doing and where we're going. As I've done before, I warned against pushing a guy into having that kind of serious talk at this stage in the game. But I also came up with an easy way to evaluate this kind of dilemma, one that's so obvious I almost didn't mention it.

Bachelor Brad and other Nice Guys

Anyone who's been watching this season of ABC's "The Bachelor" knows that Bachelor Brad wasn't supposed to be a nice guy. After all, a few seasons ago it was the same Brad Womack who famously rejected all of the women on the show (the only time that's happened). But if you're watching this season -- even if you've only seen one episode -- you probably have a very different impression. On each date Brad is incredibly attentive and caring, so much so that he often seems sincerely on the verge of falling in love with almost every woman he's with.

Just a Friend

What does it mean for a guy when a girl is “just a friend?” The question’s been asked over and over and over again, for all different kinds of reasons. Now, from the guy perspective, here are some answers: how to become more than a friend, how to deal with your guy's female friends, and how to stay just friends when a guy wants something more.

The Friend Zone