Relationship Advice for Women

Just a Friend

What does it mean for a guy when a girl is “just a friend?” The question’s been asked over and over and over again, for all different kinds of reasons. Now, from the guy perspective, here are some answers: how to become more than a friend, how to deal with your guy's female friends, and how to stay just friends when a guy wants something more.

The Friend Zone

Mixed Signals

Among the requests for advice I've received since starting the blog, one common theme is that guys sometimes send mixed signals. J's boyfriend was uncomfortable using the word "girlfriend," but six weeks later he wanted to move in together. L's boyfriend broke up with her because something was "missing," but two months later he was back -- texting, calling in the middle of the night, and even showing up at her place unannounced. E's boyfriend said he had been hurt before and backed off because of his own strong feelings, then came to meet her mother without being asked, and then backed off again. So what the **** is going through these guys' heads?

Guys Don't Think, and Women Think Too Much. Is J-Lo Right?

While talking about her twins -- one boy, one girl -- on Letterman last week, Jennifer Lopez said "it's very clear to me now, having a boy and a girl, the differences between men and women." What's the biggest difference, according to J-Lo? Basically, women think too much, and men, well -- don't. Is J-Lo right? First read more and check out her comments (from about 2:45 to 3:45 of this YouTube video).

Too Fast or Too Slow?

Most guys realize that women face tough choices when it comes to having sex with someone for the first time. Merciless social expectations say that if you do it too soon you're a slut, while waiting too long makes you a prude. And because men and women are wired differently, the pressure is typically on women to decide when the time is right. If you find it a big pain in the ass, even in your 20s and 30s, to navigate this impossible set of expectations, I don't blame you. But from the guy perspective, there is a way.

Beautiful

Over the weekend my friends Chuck and Steve were talking about how they perceive their longtime partners (one girlfriend, one wife). Chuck and Steve are two of my beer-drinking, sports-watching, smack-talking friends; in other words, not a touchy-feely pair. But both have ended up in committed relationships, and once they got going about their chosen ladies, they had a lot to say. The conversation turned to looks, and suddenly we were having an unlikely discussion about beauty.

Communicating with Guys: Illiterate Mind Readers

One of the big knocks on guys in relationships is that we don't communicate how we're feeling to our dates, girlfriends, domestic partners or wives. Instead of showing when we're vulnerable, sad or emotional, we clam up and fail to ask for support. It's basically conventional wisdom at this point: because guys go it on our own instead of letting our feelings out, women will inevitably feel like we're shutting them out -- like they can't get close to us because we won't open up. But is this really true?

How to Hit on Guys: 'The Hand Hover' and 'The Active Listener'

My friend Jake and I got talking recently about the ways (we think) women have hit on us in the past. You can't have this conversation without acknowledging the difficulties for women; not only does the dating world generally expect that guys will hit on you (instead of the other way around), but for us guys it can be the case that feeling hit on too heavily unsettles our staid worldviews, making us feel either inadequate or full of ourselves. It can also go right over our heads. Nevertheless, there are some smooth and really effective ways you can hit on guys, and in the course of our conversation Jake and I came up with a couple big winners that have been used on us.

Basics from the Guy Perspective, Part 1: Happiness

The best way to be happy in a relationship is to be happy on your own. Period. If you're happy on your own, you're already well on your way to the goal most people are seeking in relationships -- increased happiness. And us guys are way more likely to want to get into something with you, or go further with you, if you're happy. Because if you know how to be fulfilled on your own, we don't have to deal with the unfair pressure of constantly keeping you fulfilled, and instead we can focus on enjoying our time together and building a real connection between two people.

Basics from the Guy Perspective, Part 2: Confidence

Confidence is the number one factor that attracts guys to women. Not a loud, brazen, I-say-whatever-I-want-to-anyone attitude that poses as confidence, and not a haughty, my-permanent-pout-hides-my-insecurity confidence, but the genuine confidence that comes from a positive, stable feeling about your place in the world. The Oxford English Dictionary describes confidence simply as: The mental attitude of trusting in or relying on a person or thing; firm trust, reliance, faith. And in the end, that's all any of us guys are looking for.

What Are We, Exactly?

A female friend of mine, Megan, has been dating the same guy for a couple months now. At a party recently she was talking to me and one of her girlfriends, Karen, about a conversation she wanted to initiate with this guy. The two of them were already spending multiple nights a week together and had decided to be exclusive, but she wasn't sure about their "status" – were they boyfriend and girlfriend? – and this was bothering Megan. Although she used different words, she basically wanted to have what I call the "what are we, exactly?" conversation.